I left biglaw for an in house role. It’s still hard to have two full time working parents, two kids and a dog BUT it’s so much better! Still
Intellectually challenging, smart coworkers, but the focus is primarily on quality of work (not hours billed and face time) and I have a lot more flexibility. I took a pay cut but we’re doing just fine, and free of those golden handcuffs!
All this is to say: you’ve earned the ability to make choices about your career and leaving biglaw is in no way a failure!
I think a lot of traveling with toddlers is about expectations (and about being gentle with yourself.) And I'd say the vacation version of your kids is probably not the same as staying at home with them - everybody is off schedule/eating different foods/overstimulated with newness, and it can be Too Much. This is literally exactly why I started my newsletter - because similar to the myth of Having It All, we've also been served the Instagram Highlight version of every toddler vacation as if it won't just be parenting in another place.
Couldn’t agree more! It’s so tough and not talked about enough so then when we struggle, we think we’re doing something wrong instead of realizing that, perhaps, everyone is in the same or a similar boat.
I call a trip with a young kids a “place change”. Same tantrums, same endless logistics navigating, same scrounging for snacks and entertainment, but in a different setting.
Wannabe former lawyer here, currently examining exit strategies. Thanks for writing this, I feel seen! My wife and I have really been struggling with the enormous amount of time and mental energy that parenting our 2 y/o takes (even when we had a part-time nanny and my wife was a SAHM). I definitely wouldn’t want to be a SAHM because honestly I don’t have the patience for it and it’s not a realistic option since I’m the breadwinner. I just have a lucrative career that no longer fulfills me and makes me dread logging on every morning (let me not lie about adhering to the hybrid work policy).
Also, vacations with toddlers are a cosmic joke. Our one and only attempt resulted in 5-6 hours of shame on our NYC-MIA round trip due to our daughter’s nonstop screaming and 4 days of hell on a beachside condo that we rarely left (except for sad solo trips to the hotel bar or spa area) for the same reason. Here’s to attempting sanity and self-fulfillment in 2025.
Writing to say that you’re so not alone in any of these feelings/struggles. I hear you and it’s simply hard. The decision process of figuring out what does work is a whole other challenge.
This really resonated with me. I have been really struggling with the lack of time I get to spend with my baby before and after work, but I’m not sure that quitting my job makes sense as it’s high paying and relatively flexible WFH. I wish there were more part time opportunities available in the workforce.
I completely hear you. I also wish there were more opportunities for women to take a step back from work during their kids’ early years and then re-enter the workforce without the backlash!
Listen. I think what is also sold wrongly is that motherhood is natural. Yes. But.
Motherhood is a given if you have kids. AND. It's also a skill. Traveling with toddler is a skill. You can get better at it.
But it requires being bad at it at first. And putting the time and mental energy into it. And there is a reality to working full time that sucks your mental energy away from getting good at traveling with a toddler. You just wanna go on a trip and relax. That not quite how it works traveling with kids. It can be but it's different.
Can you do both work and go on nice trips with kids? Sure you can, but it's a lot of work to get there.
I've had horrific transatlantic flights with kids, and I've had great transatlantic flights with a 2 year old. We've had magical days in Tuscany and a really terrible day in the Madrid train station.
All that to say is it's ok if you have bad trips with kids. It's ok to not want to travel with them because the reality of work and day to day is all you can muster. And it's ok to try to get better at it.
Both extremes give off a super gravitational pull that makes it difficult to exist in the middle. And even if you get the more time-generous job, the fam’s pull seems to increase 10x, like, “I don’t have the “big” job so let me handle this pedi appointment, sports/school/play date thing,” etc.
I stayed home in the late 90s and 00s because it was just easier and money wasn’t a big deal once basics services were met. And these basics like housing, food, transpo were somewhat doable on one salary. By 2015 it seemed the stay at home spouse option was a thing of the past unfortunately. Good luck out there.
Kids pick up and match the emotional water they are swimming in. Once I learned that, travelling with kids became so much easier on all of us. Becoming a Solo parent of three ,all under 3.5 yrs old, really helped me set my expectations accordingly. Sorry to hear the vacation didn't match up. Better luck next time.
Quit law for similar reasons, couldn’t see how it could work with kids (husband also lawyer with ridiculous hours and travel). I work in government policy now, flexible hours, way less money but I like it and it works with the kids schedules for the most part.
Looking for work life balance is not easy in the legal profession. Be very suspicious of looking for a "part time "legal job in any large law firm. When my son was little (he is in his 30s) I had many friends who took this track thinking it would be less hours, no chance of making partner (as if women were readily made partners then anyway) of course, but it would allow time to be with their family/children without giving up their career. Well it didn't work out that way. Invariably when the woman was working on a case or on a huge IPO there was no such thing as part time. They worked the same hours as everyone else at half the pay. It was a scam. Things may be different where quality of life is concerned now. It just might not be in a large Wall Street law firm.
And just a side note- the former head of the Israeli stock exchange was a woman (sorry I forget her name) when she retired they asked her about having it all. She said and I specifically remember this answer, "Yes, you can have it all, just not at the same time."
Thank you for the welcome! You’re completely spot on about reduced hours (at least at large firms) from my knowledge. I never even went this route because I heard too many times how it ends up just being a pay cut.
With respect to having it all but not all at the same time, I think this is going to be a follow up post for me. I often hear this and, while I agree this is more feasible, I challenge women to acknowledge the difficulties of 1. waiting to try to conceive and 2. re-enter the workforce after having kids. It’s not so simple!
I left biglaw for an in house role. It’s still hard to have two full time working parents, two kids and a dog BUT it’s so much better! Still
Intellectually challenging, smart coworkers, but the focus is primarily on quality of work (not hours billed and face time) and I have a lot more flexibility. I took a pay cut but we’re doing just fine, and free of those golden handcuffs!
All this is to say: you’ve earned the ability to make choices about your career and leaving biglaw is in no way a failure!
Thank you! I love hearing success stories and in house is definitely something I’m interested in exploring!
I think a lot of traveling with toddlers is about expectations (and about being gentle with yourself.) And I'd say the vacation version of your kids is probably not the same as staying at home with them - everybody is off schedule/eating different foods/overstimulated with newness, and it can be Too Much. This is literally exactly why I started my newsletter - because similar to the myth of Having It All, we've also been served the Instagram Highlight version of every toddler vacation as if it won't just be parenting in another place.
Couldn’t agree more! It’s so tough and not talked about enough so then when we struggle, we think we’re doing something wrong instead of realizing that, perhaps, everyone is in the same or a similar boat.
I call a trip with a young kids a “place change”. Same tantrums, same endless logistics navigating, same scrounging for snacks and entertainment, but in a different setting.
How about a relocation? That sounds right haha.
Similar. I don't call it a "vacation", but rather a "trip". I like "place change", though!
Wannabe former lawyer here, currently examining exit strategies. Thanks for writing this, I feel seen! My wife and I have really been struggling with the enormous amount of time and mental energy that parenting our 2 y/o takes (even when we had a part-time nanny and my wife was a SAHM). I definitely wouldn’t want to be a SAHM because honestly I don’t have the patience for it and it’s not a realistic option since I’m the breadwinner. I just have a lucrative career that no longer fulfills me and makes me dread logging on every morning (let me not lie about adhering to the hybrid work policy).
Also, vacations with toddlers are a cosmic joke. Our one and only attempt resulted in 5-6 hours of shame on our NYC-MIA round trip due to our daughter’s nonstop screaming and 4 days of hell on a beachside condo that we rarely left (except for sad solo trips to the hotel bar or spa area) for the same reason. Here’s to attempting sanity and self-fulfillment in 2025.
Writing to say that you’re so not alone in any of these feelings/struggles. I hear you and it’s simply hard. The decision process of figuring out what does work is a whole other challenge.
This really resonated with me. I have been really struggling with the lack of time I get to spend with my baby before and after work, but I’m not sure that quitting my job makes sense as it’s high paying and relatively flexible WFH. I wish there were more part time opportunities available in the workforce.
I completely hear you. I also wish there were more opportunities for women to take a step back from work during their kids’ early years and then re-enter the workforce without the backlash!
Listen. I think what is also sold wrongly is that motherhood is natural. Yes. But.
Motherhood is a given if you have kids. AND. It's also a skill. Traveling with toddler is a skill. You can get better at it.
But it requires being bad at it at first. And putting the time and mental energy into it. And there is a reality to working full time that sucks your mental energy away from getting good at traveling with a toddler. You just wanna go on a trip and relax. That not quite how it works traveling with kids. It can be but it's different.
Can you do both work and go on nice trips with kids? Sure you can, but it's a lot of work to get there.
I've had horrific transatlantic flights with kids, and I've had great transatlantic flights with a 2 year old. We've had magical days in Tuscany and a really terrible day in the Madrid train station.
All that to say is it's ok if you have bad trips with kids. It's ok to not want to travel with them because the reality of work and day to day is all you can muster. And it's ok to try to get better at it.
Both extremes give off a super gravitational pull that makes it difficult to exist in the middle. And even if you get the more time-generous job, the fam’s pull seems to increase 10x, like, “I don’t have the “big” job so let me handle this pedi appointment, sports/school/play date thing,” etc.
I stayed home in the late 90s and 00s because it was just easier and money wasn’t a big deal once basics services were met. And these basics like housing, food, transpo were somewhat doable on one salary. By 2015 it seemed the stay at home spouse option was a thing of the past unfortunately. Good luck out there.
Kids pick up and match the emotional water they are swimming in. Once I learned that, travelling with kids became so much easier on all of us. Becoming a Solo parent of three ,all under 3.5 yrs old, really helped me set my expectations accordingly. Sorry to hear the vacation didn't match up. Better luck next time.
Quit law for similar reasons, couldn’t see how it could work with kids (husband also lawyer with ridiculous hours and travel). I work in government policy now, flexible hours, way less money but I like it and it works with the kids schedules for the most part.
I’m so glad you found something that works for you and your family! That’s the goal!
Looking for work life balance is not easy in the legal profession. Be very suspicious of looking for a "part time "legal job in any large law firm. When my son was little (he is in his 30s) I had many friends who took this track thinking it would be less hours, no chance of making partner (as if women were readily made partners then anyway) of course, but it would allow time to be with their family/children without giving up their career. Well it didn't work out that way. Invariably when the woman was working on a case or on a huge IPO there was no such thing as part time. They worked the same hours as everyone else at half the pay. It was a scam. Things may be different where quality of life is concerned now. It just might not be in a large Wall Street law firm.
And just a side note- the former head of the Israeli stock exchange was a woman (sorry I forget her name) when she retired they asked her about having it all. She said and I specifically remember this answer, "Yes, you can have it all, just not at the same time."
Welcome to substack.
Thank you for the welcome! You’re completely spot on about reduced hours (at least at large firms) from my knowledge. I never even went this route because I heard too many times how it ends up just being a pay cut.
With respect to having it all but not all at the same time, I think this is going to be a follow up post for me. I often hear this and, while I agree this is more feasible, I challenge women to acknowledge the difficulties of 1. waiting to try to conceive and 2. re-enter the workforce after having kids. It’s not so simple!