"What do you want to be?": Figuring Out What's Next for Me

A little life update about what's next for me and this Substack

“When you close your eyes and think about the life you really want—what you really want to be—what do you see?” My therapist gently asked as she looked sternly at me through my computer screen. A small box reflected back my own face—swollen and sullen, too tired for exasperation. “Do you want to be a lawyer?” She continued to press. “I don’t think so…?” The words tumbled out slowly, more like a question than a statement. I stared at the rain knocking at my window, desperately wracking my brain and hoping that I would magically just know the answer. But in reality, I’d ignored my own instincts for so long, allowing my goals and sense of self to be perpetually clouded and molded by external judgment and validation that I, in truth, had no fucking idea what I really wanted—only what I thought everyone else wanted me to want and a barely-there inkling of my own desires. “I think I want to be a writer,” I finally said, as if testing how the words tasted on my mouth before they could be heard by the outside world. My therapist smiled, a sense of knowing spread across her face like a child who has just realized they can spell the final word at the spelling bee. But as contentment seemed to wash over her, fear washed over me. “What if that is what I want but what if I fail at it?” I wondered in silence.

In the months since I first had this conversation with my therapist, I’ve made strides both in my hopes of becoming a writer and in understanding myself. I’ve published articles and built up this Substack in tandem with my social media following and my self-worth. I’ve worked and worked and worked—maintaining diligent posting schedules and exercising discipline in honing my crafts.

But perhaps the summer heat has laid a layer of malaise over the East Coast, lulling us into sleepy complacency, or maybe it’s just me. I’ve been running around from town to town, out of my routine and, as of late, out of steam. Instead of going through my usual process of reflection and refinement, I’m rushing to get all my writing and content out there, perhaps to its detriment. My motivation has dwindled in my foggy haze and I think, perhaps, what I need is a bit of a refocus and reset.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time revisiting my therapist’s question—trying (and sometimes failing) to decipher what I truly want to do next and be thoughtful about where I want to direct my energy, focus, and growth.

Of course, my family will always be my top priority, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have ambitions beyond my roles as wife and mother. However, these ambitions aren’t wholly separate from those roles either. Rather, there has been an exciting endeavor lingering on the horizon that is wholly intertwined with my evolution in motherhood and one that I’ve pushed off far too long both due to time constraints and fear. But I think it’s time to turn my attention towards this dream now and lean into the inkling that was with me from the very beginning.

It’s not going to be some great shock to anyone who reads my writing or follows me on TikTok or Instagram that I hope to write a book—one that not only tracks but also fully dissects the identity shifts that I—and many other high-achieving women—face once we become moms. I’m holding my breath as I write this, tempted to delete every word because once I put my plan out there, it’s hard to take it back. And of course, the question remains, "What if I fail?”

I hope I won’t. But I also hope to give this book a fair shot and, in order to do that, I need to scale back some other commitments including this Substack. I’ve loved cultivating this community and carving out a place for myself in this unique and special corner of the digital world. It has helped me grow as a writer and, I think, as a person. My plan isn’t to give it up but, rather, to commit to one piece per week that restores the thoughtfulness I initially put into each post. When I can, I’ll post more—bonus content, if you will. These posts will vary in type, content and paid/unpaid status. Per usual, they will range from essays on motherhood, lists of baby products or clothing I’m buying, to detailed guides. As always, I hope they’re helpful. My goal isn’t to take away from this platform but to make it better by giving each post more love and attention while simultaneously taking some pressure off and making room for what’s next.

This shift will allow me to devote more time to figuring out what this book could look like if I find the courage to write it.

Wish me luck. I think I’ll need it.

Love always, the littest of mamas,

Lia