How to Transition Your Firstborn When Bringing Home Your Newborn
From a mom of two under three
I snuggled into my plush, white comforter, gripped tightly in place by my breastfeeding pillow and a shockingly comfortable adult diaper. My husband, Tom, plopped down next to me as we let out a collective “oooh-ahh” over my three-day-old baby girl. She scrunched her petite legs before letting out a milk-drunk yawn. She was so little, so delicate, so angelic.
“Hi, Mommy! Hi, Daddy,” my 18 month old yelped as he pitter-pattered into the room, scurrying onto the bed to observe the tiny specimen that had taken over his domain. “Hi, Kaia!” he said smiling. He bent down to give his sister a gentle kiss on her forehead. My husband and I looked at our offspring, feeling both smug and shocked but nonetheless filled with adoration. “Awwwwww, what a sweet boy Jackson.” And just as I began to revel in how wonderfully my toddler was taking this coup d'état of his parents’ attention, in one swift movement, his arm extended upwards before slamming down hard across my newborn’s face.
Shrieking sobs erupted from the dumbstruck infant as my husband let out a simultaneous, booming, “Jackson, no! You do not hit your sister!” Jackson had been difficult at times, having taken a liking to testing our limits and seeing what mischief he could get away with simply by doling out his charming smile followed by a sloppy kiss. Despite these tendencies, Tom had never once raised his voice at our firstborn—a herculean effort in self-restraint. Within seconds, we went from one big happy family to the picture of chaos, in which my kids weren’t the only ones crying.
After a snack for Jackson and Kaia and a quick call to the pediatrician’s office for me and Tom, we cooled down but we also had learned our lesson. We knew welcoming our newborn would be an adjustment for our toddler but, perhaps, we had underestimated not only how much work it would take on our ends but also how exhausted we would be to put in that work—it’s funny how parents seem to black-out and forget what an utter shitshow the newborn phase is.
Fast forward 1 year later and, luckily my son has not only adapted but also thrived in his role as big brother, often choosing to spend time with his sister over anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect, and he still occasionally throws tantrums of epic proportions when he feels he’s being left out or deprioritized in favor of his sister. But generally speaking, we’re pretty proud of him and, candidly, of us.
Here’s what we did to get there:
This Work Starts Before the Baby’s Born
Perhaps, I didn’t do this enough. It’s possible that the sleep deprivation clouded my perception of reality and I may have skimped on this directive (although, I choose to believe I tried): amp your toddler up about their new sibling! Hype up the experience of having a sibling and all of the things your toddler can do with their new baby sibling and that you will be able to do as a family. In addition, to the best of your ability, explain what is happening so that your child isn’t totally blindsided when this new being formally enters their home. Books such as Daniel Tiger “Meet the New Baby” and Tickle and Main New Brother Gift were both helpful.
At the Hospital (Or Right When Baby Comes Home)
One of the perks of giving birth (or pitfalls if you hate clutter) is the immense amount of shit—I mean gifts—you receive for the new baby. And while your newborn could not care less and you are either elated or overwhelmed, what does your older child see? More often than not, save for those few incredibly thoughtful and generous friends and family members who think of this, nothing for them. It’s important that your older child is both included and celebrated from the beginning of your new baby’s birth. One great tip I got was to bring a gift to the hospital for my son from my daughter. Think of it as a peace offering from the alien invader.
On Repeat From There On Out
This is so much easier said than done but try to make sure your older child is getting some special alone time with both you and your partner once the baby is born. And I know, it will feel like you are glued to your newborn (especially when you’re breastfeeding) and when you’re not glued, you’re utterly shattered with exhaustion. But your old child misses you and needs to feel important. Take them for ice cream, a walk for coffee, do bedtime just the two of you. I promise this will have an immense impact.
Taking this a step further, let your child know how excited you are to have this time with them. One thing my husband and I do is “fight” over whose turn it is to put my son to bed (even when we are not so secretly thrilled it is the other one’s turn). My son swells with pride this. He feels loved and wanted. Tell your child how much you’re looking forward to the time spent just with them and how much you enjoyed it afterwards.
Another great tip I got was to give my older child tasks to “help” with the baby. For example, “Jackson, can you please hand Mommy a diaper for Kaia? That would be so helpful!” Followed by, “Oh my goodness, thank you so much, Jackson. You are such a great helper to Mommy and you take such good care of your baby sister.” Make it a big deal. Ham it the fuck up. Even when it would be exponentially easier (and quicker) to do whatever task it is on your own (which it inevitably would be), it doesn’t matter. Include your older child such that they feel like a team member in caring for the baby and a necessary one at that. They are a part of your village after all.
Lastly, you’ll often find yourself naturally telling your older child to “wait” because you need to do something for the baby or setting limits on your child to protect the baby (e.g. don’t scream, the baby is sleeping or don’t hit your sister if you’re me). This happens and is somewhat unavoidable. However, you can also make your child feel less alone in these scoldings or restrictions by flipping the script: “No Baby, it’s Toddler’s turn to do this with Mommy. You need to wait.” or “No Baby, you cannot pull Toddler’s hair.” This makes life more “fair” to your older child and your baby has no idea what’s going on anyways.
These are the tips that helped my family but I want to hear from you! Drop your tips in the comment section below.
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